Can I? Or rather, will I be able to?
You see, I’ve spent days pondering my first post. I’m very demanding of myself and, believe it or not, quite shy. But this is more than just a diary, more than a way to show off and communicate with you all; I WANT TO STRIP NAKED.
I want those who follow me, or choose not to, to do so for who I truly am, not for who they imagine me to be. As Kurt Cobain said, “I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.”
For many years, I’ve been searching for myself in so many different places. In people, in scents, in tears, in jokes that fell flat and others that were hilarious…
I searched in skins and colors, in smiles, in the occasional “I hate you” and many “I love yous.” Through the streets of London, the gay clubs, in the Seven Streets of Bilbao, in my sister’s hobbies, in reality TV, in faked orgasms, in songs and dances, in fashions, in vices, hairstyles, and high heels.
It was hard to look in the mirror and recognize myself. Which of all the “Nagores” was the real one? All of them or none? Perhaps when I got bored with one, I’d shed that skin, like a costume, to show off the next.
I couldn’t show any part of myself that wasn’t desired by whoever was looking at me at that moment. My best line, gaze, or smile for the highest bidder or the most needy. I felt like a sell-out, a clown, an actress, a dispenser of smiles, a comedian, the woman of a thousand faces… a strategist of life. How much I’ve hidden, I suppose from myself and within myself.
(I’m making myself a coffee, my favorite, espresso with brown sugar, quick, intense, and full-bodied, like me).
Nagore Robles
My therapist told me I’m a survivor. In that moment, I thought of the hamburger challenge from “Humor Amarillo”, a Japanese game show, when you were about to sink, you’d jump to the nearest platform and try to escape unscathed, but you never came out dry. It was hard for me to recognize that girl who left her parents’ house for London or “Neverland.” It was impossible for me to understand that I was fleeing and running aimlessly at an incredible speed; because I have to admit, I’m very fast, too fast. Where was I rushing to?
As a child, I needed to escape because nothing fit with me, and I felt out of place, as my mother says, “a restless bum” who never quite fits in. I’ll tell you why another time, they’re waiting for me on the sofa with a mountain of kisses, and besides, I don’t want to ramble on too much today.
As a great unknown psychologist told me: “You live your life at 200%, be careful you don’t end it too soon.” I devour it with such eagerness that I even forget small details that mark the importance of great moments.
Every person, experience, and place I’ve encountered throughout my life, I’ve savored with the appetite they awakened in me. Yes, I’ve squeezed every last drop of their virtues until they clashed with my flaws; and I assure you, it’s been mutual.
I’ve ended up dry in many moments, and saturated in others.
I laugh at my flaws and dissect them, enjoying every mistake I make. I like to observe myself, correct myself, and realize that I have no damn idea about anything. They call me a ‘governess,’ but I’d say more imperatively soft.
I’m savoring myself, I want to be proud and happy, something I work on every day, and even achieve sometimes.
(I think I still have some chocolate cookies left, give me a minute while I eat five).
My biggest and worst vice, eating until I collapse. Gluttony, my eternal and sweet enemy.
This will be my corner that I will share with you all. I promise to try not to hide here, not to play dress-up or masked balls. To show my fears, challenges, flaws, and virtues. I only ask one thing, and that is for you to have patience because I’m still learning, and I might not succeed. I feel the need to challenge myself; I believe it’s the best way to know my limits. So, I might not manage to show myself completely, sometimes letting go of a vice that’s been with you for so many years is hard to abandon, but without a doubt, I will try, and I want to do it here and now with you all.
Yes, this is me, a strong, positive woman full of contradictions. A mental and emotional tightrope walker; a total unbalanced being.
All or nothing, insatiable and curious like a joyful child. Enthusiastic and a big eater, intolerant at times and critical as a screamer. Shy and reserved. Attentive and detail-oriented. Independent and constructive. Demanding and devoted. A lover of life, and now, of my own.
Let them call me whatever they want, my name is Nagore Robles, the unknown.
